30 Days Naked Day 17

I believe in shouting. I believe shouting is awesome. Sometimes i need to shout...to yell..or even to scream. Yesterday was one of those days. Last night I read Psalm 30 and 31, which I encourage you to read also. Psalm 30:2 says "O Lord my God, I called to you for help and you healed me." I am broken just like in Psalm 31:12: "..I have become broken like pottery." but verse 14 says: "but I trust in you, O Lord; I say, 'you are my God'." He is my God. He is my Father. We've been through everything together. He has never left me. Why would I leave Him now? I have done that before, and I have experienced the aloneness and the emptiness it brings. Psalm 30:5-7 "for His anger lasts only a moment, but His favor lasts a lifetime; weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes with the morning. When I felt secure, I said, 'I will never be shaken.' O Lord, when you favored me, you made my mountain stand firm; but when you hid your face, I was dismayed." Lord I am broken, But you are the healer. Lord I am dismayed, But you are still here. Lord I am lost, But you save me in your unfailing love. I know you preserve the faithful. I will be strong and take heart for you are good.

30 Days Naked Day 16 part 2

Here I am Broken again I've been put back together too many times I don't know if I can handle this What have I done wrong? Lord, please tell me I gave it up for you Did I do the wrong thing? The pressure is too much I am not sure what to do How could you? I'm speechless I don't know what to think I'm so frightened And so scared Are you here? Do you care? Do you see how I love? Is it not enough? What am I supposed to learn? I'm waiting Waiting for your answer You are silent Do you hear me? I'm shouting, yelling, screaming I'm falling apart Can't take another blow I can't feel my heart You are the only one that heals But why would an injured man go back to the man who beat him up? Did you do this? Is it real? I don't understand Oh God I do not Comprehend

30 Days Naked Day 16

Why is this world so unfair? Why is it so horrible? Why do bad things happen? More importantly, why does it have to happen to such amazing people? They fall down and their faith is tested. It seems like such a great journey and they are thankful to God by the end. The second time is more difficult. It is long and grueling on them and everyone around them. But in the end they say "God is good". Why must it keep happening? Lord I thought I learned. What else do you have for me? What else do you have for them? Must it keep on happening? Will my dejavu continue? Is this your joy? To have your people suffer? I'm shouting. I shout to you who is so great. What have I done? What have I done. So I thought you listened. I thought you heard me. Will you answer prayer and take it away less than 6 months later? I guess it is true. So I have heard: you give and take away.

30 Days Naked Day 15

I'm tired. I'm scared. I'm stressed. I'm nervous. I'm impatient. School is weighing me down. I'm ready to finish. Life is becoming difficult. Halfway there Please don't stare I am sick inside and out All I want to do is pout Please end the stress I'm such a mess I'm tired and I'm scared I don't know why I dared I feel like I'm falling No one hears my calling Sometimes I wish I could physically feel Jesus. I wish I could feel him hold me and comfort me. I wish I could hear His voice audibly and know He is with me. I feel broken. I write when I need to vent. I apologize for this discouraging post.

30 Days Naked Day 14

Sitting in my room. Nervous. Sweating. I was going to leave soon. "Why do I become so nervous when i speak in front of people?" i asked myself. I became angry. I looked in the mirror, feeling naked. I have never wanted to put on makeup so bad. I always feel naked when I speak in front of people, and that is with makeup. Now I felt completely exposed. I had to keep praying to resist the temptation. I drove to class blaring music to get my mind off of what was about to happen. In the class room I waited anxiously while others presented. Ever since I was little I would sing this song my mom taught me: "God has not given us a spirit of fear. But he has given unto us, a spirit of power, a spirit of love, and a sound mind". This comes from 1 timothy 1:7. I used to always sing this at night when I would be frightened of the furnace. I still sing it in my head whenever I am nervous or scared. I sat in my chair singing this in my head while I waited. It was my turn. I set up the computer and I was shaking while I did it. I looked up at the class and saw all of the faces staring at me. Waiting. I decided to be honest. "I'm nervous" I said. I told the class that I become quite nervous when speaking in front of people so I would like to pray before I began. So I prayed and then I presented. Very strange. But it was the best thing to do.

30 Days Naked Day 13

0 comments. 0 comments. 0 comments. Does anyone read my blog? Or even like it? These questions go through my head every day. Why am I doing this? The devil feeds me these lies saying that this is a stupid idea. no one cares. Though these statements may be true, this is not where my gaze should be fixated. Hebrews 12:1-3 "therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfector of our faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, scornibg it's shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." I shall set my gaze upon Christ and Christ alone. He will not let me grow tired. He will give me strength to finish the race

30 Days Naked Day 12

Did you not sleep that well last night? It's funny how one little question or comment can make you feel like the ugliest person in the world. One little event can make you think completely different about life. One little action can make you hold a grudge for years. One little facial expression can make you feel insignificant and depressed. Life Is full of little things...that make a big impact. Today I felt ugly. Today I felt happy. Today I felt insignificant. Today I felt scared. Today I felt annoyed. Today i realized that such little things can impact how i think, how i feel, what i do, and what i am going to do. What little things do I do that affect others in a big way? Is it positive? Or is it negative? Or is it both? James 3:9 "with the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God's likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers (and sisters) this should not be. Can both fresh water and salt water flow from the same spring? My brothers (and sisters), can a fig tree bear olives, or a grapevine bear figs? Neither can a salt spring produce fresh water." I need to watch what comes out of my mouth. I know from experience that it hurts...

30 Days Naked Day 11

"Jesus loves me this I know. For the Bible tells me so. Little ones to Him belong. They are weak but He is strong. Yes, Jesus loves me. Yes, Jesus loves me. Yes Jesus loves me. The bible tells me so." You might laugh when you hear this song. They are just simple words sung to a simple song that we all sang when we were younger. But these words..these words that are so "simple", are so incredible. John 3:16: "For God SO LOVED the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life." A verse heard so often...but really such a powerful statement. God loved the world (a dirty sinful mess) so much that He gave His only son. His son ended up dying for our sins. Yes, Jesus came back to life, but He still died and took up all that pain..for us. Jesus loves us. It's so incredible..sometimes even unimaginable. But I know it's true. In the new testament during Jesus' time on earth, I see how He loved. The shortest verse in the Bible (John 11:35) says, "Jesus wept". A lot of people remember this verse. But..why was Jesus weeping? He was weeping because his friend Lazarus, whom he loved, died. One of my favorite verses is Romans 8:39: "neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of our God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." God's love is so amazing. And what's even better: nothing can separate me from It. Jesus loves me this I know.

30 Days Naked Day 10

I am now 1/3 done with my fast. It doesn't seem like much, but it also seems like a long time. In Ezra 8:21 it talks about an army fasting so they may become humble before God. Now, something I love to do is look up definitions of words. Sometimes when we say a word so often, it takes on a different meaning in our minds. So I looked up the word "humble". It had several meanings. One was, "marked by meekness or modesty". That makes sense. A person who is humble isnt bragging or anything. The next one was, "low and infererior in station or quality". Hmmm ok. And the last one was: "cause to feel shame". Cause to feel shame? Really? But then I thought about it and this definition is right. I did feel shame. That morning when God convicted me I felt awful. I had put something of this world in front of Him. And that's something to be ashamed of. Lord humble me in my shame..and in my nakedness.

30 Days Naked Day 9

I just want to share this verse with you: "The king is enthralled by your beauty; honor him, for he is your lord." The God of the universe is enthralled with your beauty. That's something to be in awe about. Soak it in.

30 days naked day 8: Purity

Jesus wants me to stay pure. But how can I keep my purity in such a impure and sinful world? Being pure is being without blemish. Doesn't that mean perfection? Matt 5:48 says to be perfect therefore, as your father in heaven is perfect. But how can I be perfect if I am sinful? I know for a fact I am not perfect. I never have been, and I never will. I can just look in the mirror and see blemishes. But even though I am not perfect, i can sure strive for perfection. With Gods help it is extremely possible. In Matthew 5 it also says: "blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God." I want to see God. I want to be filled with His spirit and be close to Him. To achieve that, I need to strive for purity in every aspect of my life. I can only do this through God's grace and strength.

30 Days Naked Day 7

Since beginning this fast exactly one week ago, I realized I wash my face more often. After contemplating why, I realized that I can now wash my face whenever I want during the day because I don't have makeup on; therefore, I don't wash it off and then have to put it back on again. I'm also becoming used to how I look when I see myself. I no longer ask who that person is in my bathroom mirror. I am becoming more comfortable with no makeup; with being naked. Was makeup my shield? Was I hiding? I shouldn't have to hide myself from God or from anyone else. Especially with something as silly as makeup. No, makeup isn't bad, definitely not. But it is bad If I let it become a higher priority than Christ. I shouldn't let anything come before Jesus and His Kingdom. I want to be a light for Jesus. I was letting the makeup dim my light. But now I have nothing to hide.

30 Days Naked Day 6

"I'm so in-love with her! I just want to shout and tell the world!" I'm sure you've heard this kind of talk in movies and perhaps even experienced it in real life. Two people are just so in-love that they are just bubbling with excitement about it. They want to scream it to the world I'm in-love!! Why don't we do this with Christ?shouldn't I be so in-love with Him that I can't wait to tell anyone who I come into contact with? Is it because we are ashamed? Afraid? Or do we just lose our energy? Yes, I have had days where I'm like that. I'm just so excited and thrilled about my heavenly daddy that I sing praises all day. I smile constantly. I pray almost continuously. I am filled with the spirit. Why can't this be every day? Why do I become distracted and disheartened by life? There is a God! And not just any god. He died for me and He LOVES me. He doesn't have to love me. In fact, He could do just fine without me, but He chooses to love me. It's so incredible. Who would be ashamed of that? "I am not ashamed of the gospel, because it is the power of God for the salvation of everyone who believes.." I am passionately INLOVE with the God of the universe and I am not ashamed. It's time for me to show that.

30 Days Naked: Day 5

Today, while worshipping In church, we sang "Draw me close to You" at the very end. Here are the lyrics: "Draw me close to You Never let me go I lay it all down again To hear You say that I'm Your friend You are my desire No one else will do 'Cause nothing else could take Your place To feel the warmth of Your embrace Help me find the way Bring me back to You You're all I want You're all I've ever needed You're all I want Help me know You are near" I was singing these words, worshipping passionately the God of the universe with my eyes closed to everything around me. I desire Jesus. He's all I want and all I need. Nothing could take His place and nothing should ever do that. Not even little things such as makeup. I want to be near to Him. I want Him to draw me close and I want to feel the warmth of His embrace. He's all I want and all I've ever needed. Im not going to lie. This fast is becoming more difficult every single day. But i know i can do it with Christ's help. Sometimes, however, I can feel distanced from God throughout the day..i can feel alone in this. As I was singing the last line "help me know you are near", I felt a hand on my shoulder. I knew right away that it was my mom. I felt that she knew somehow what I was thinking and that she supported me. It was a very comforting thing.

30 Days Naked: Day 4

My prayer Lord, I am absolutely nothing without you. The only way i can live is through you. You are THE way, THE truth, and THE life. The only choice. You created me in your image; Something i dont completely understand..you are wonderful and beautiful and glorious. That must mean i am too? So unthinkable. But Thank you. Thank you for your incredible love. Father, you have given me joy, and it is my Choice whether or not to take it. Everyday it's a gift. The joy I have from being a new creation in you. Why have I turned this gift down so many times? So many times I choose to be in a bad mood. What do I have to be upset about when you saved me? You saved me from a horrible fate. I am a sinner. I deserve hell. But yet you died on a cross for me, taking on all of my sin...and the world's. You forgave me. It blows my mind. Lord, create a steadfast spirit in me..a longing for you and to please you. Give me strength. Surround me with your Holy Spirit. I want to be a light for you in this dark world.

30 days naked day 3

Its friday. Day 3 of my fast and the end of the school week. I am exhausted. Today I felt weak and tired and frustrated because of it. Today I worked, which I normally don't do on Fridays, but Someone was out of town. When I arrived, I didn't want to work. I said "lord, I'm tired. I don't want to be here. I want to go home and sleep." I continued to silently complain to Him. But soon work became fun like it always is. I am thankful that Jesus has given me an awesome job with amazing co-workers. On day 1 of my fast, I was feeling pretty good about myself by the end of the day. I was doing something awesome right? But obviously I was boasting of myself...not the Lord...who is doing amazing works.. The devil fed me a few lies today. There was the ever so original "you're ugly" along with "this fast is a stupid idea". I keep having to remind myself of truth. Lately I've been reading a lot of Paul's writings. Today I read this: 2 Corinthians 12:7-10 "to keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, 'my grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.' therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecution, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." The only thing I can boast in is Jesus Christ. He has given me amazing grace. His power makes me perfect in my weakness. When I am tired and exhausted, he comforts me and gives me strength. When I hear the devils lies, I run to Jesus. Because He gives me strength when I am weak. When I have nothing left, he is there. I AM WEAK. and that is something to boast about

30 days naked: day 2

Do you know that insecure feeling where you are obsessed with what other people think of you? When you think you have to meet the world's standards and impress people?...like your parents, friends, or peers. I sure do. That is one reason why I am doing this fast. God convicted me of putting the world and the people around me above him. I was so concerned with what others thought..instead of Gods opinion. Galations 1:10 "am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ." I am a servant of Christ. That means my identity is in Him. Not in the world...Jesus. I wanted to be considered "beautiful" in the worlds eyes. But that's not important. My goal should not be on outward beauty but on inward. I now will use the time I spent on my physical appearance, on my spiritual one. I want to be spiritually beautiful. This reminds me of a favorite song I had way back when by Bethany Dillon called "Beautiful". "I want to be beautiful. Make you stand in awe. Look inside my heart. And be amazed. I want to hear you say. Who I am is quite enough. I want to be worthy of love. And beautiful."

30 days naked. Day 1

I had an interesting conversation with Jesus this morning. I was getting ready for the day and I was in a good mood so I was praying as I was washing my face and such. I was about to put on makeup then God convicted me. "Ali, which is more important?spending time with me? Or putting on makeup?" I stopped in my tracks, guilty. I realized how much time I spent in front of the mirror every morning, not because I was vain in the sense that I thought I was so gorgeous, but because I was trying to please the world. I looked in the mirror. No makeup. Naked. I knew I He was right. I had been using the time God had given me in the morning to try to fit the world's standards, not Gods, and please the world, not God. It was difficult for me, but I decided to go with no makeup; naked. This is day one on my fast from makeup. I haven't felt this close to God in a while. It's very freeing and lovely. I know this will become more difficult for me. I know that I will be attacked spiritually. But I also know that He is with me every breath I take, every step I take, He is all I need.

My Spring/Summer Reading List

When I was little before I learned how to read, I loved to be read to. There are so many picture of my 2 or 3 year old self sitting in a family member's lap and being read to. My parents are HUGE readers. My dad is known by name at our library and goes there daily. I grew up reading. At our old house, I would sit on top of our shed in our backyard and read all afternoon.
Lately I have realized something. I do not read nearly as much as I used to. I leave books unfinished. I get caught up in my busy life and never take the time to curl up with a good book and just read in silence. This life is so full of distractions - television, computer, cell phones, loud music. Instead of reading, I go to movies. Instead of contemplating, I text. Instead of enjoying silence, I run from it and fill up my life with as much noise as I can.
This spring and summer I am going to change this habit of not reading that I have formed. I am compiling a reading list. I hope to finish it before the end of the summer. If not, I will continue into my freshman year of college.
At the moment I am reading 2 books, both by Joshua Harris: Not Even A Hint and Boy Meets Girl. In addition to these, here is my reading list:
1. Do Hard Things - Alex and Brett Harris
2. Dissapointment with God - Philip Yancy
3. Desiring God - John Piper
4. A Purpose Driven Life - Rick Warren
5. Crazy Love - Francis Chan
6. A Young Woman's Walk with God - Elizabeth George
7. Understanding Intelligent Design - William Dembski and Sean McDowell
8. Same Kind of Different as Me - Rob Hall and Denver Moore
9. Passion and Purity - Elizabeth Elliot
10. Dug Down Deep - Joshua Harris
11. The Quest for Love: True Stories of Passion and Purity

Confused

Life is moving in slow motion
World is spinning
I have no notion
No chance of winning
I can't even think
My mind is sinking
Everytime I blink

The Answer

I Need an answer
To this question of life
Is there a secret?
To this mysterious dilemma
Or is it all Just a misunderstanding
Is it hopeless?
I feel incomplete
But When I need hope
I hold on to you
When The world's crushing me
You give me comfort
And when everything crashes down
You hide me under your wing
When I'm weak
You are strong
And when my life is a question
You are the answer
I feel as if all my life has been sucked out
No energy
I need a plan
A purpose
A mission to complete
Something to make me worth something
But i have Nothing to go on with
I'm so weak and so small
I'm nothing at all
But When I need hope
I hold on to you
When The world's crushing me
You give me comfort
And when everything crashes down
You hide me under your wing
When I'm weak
You are strong
And when my life is a question
You are the answer

Jealosy

Am I alone?
Is this feeling that rare
When I groan
Am I the only one scared?
So insecure
Feeling less than most
Not at all pure
Am I just a ghost?
Jealousy is a disease
And it has taken over me
Even if I say please
I can't even see

Just Love

People seem to think I am this good little Christian girl, but the fact is, I’m not. Yes, I am a Christian, but I mess up too. I have bad days, I have had several times when I doubted, and I have definitely done what people would consider “bad” things. I’m not perfect. But who is? This world is full of judgment. It hurts, oppresses, and strikes fear into the hearts of people. “What if they judge me?” is a constant thought in many minds. I know I have that fear. It bothers me though when people have that fear when they are with me. They think that because I’m a Christian that I will judge them. Sadly, this is what many Christians do. They make hasty generalizations about people. They are caught up in being “right” and “holy” instead of just loving on people. I don’t want people to not come to me with their troubles because they are afraid I will judge them. It breaks my heart. All too often, people are judged by their worst moment. The one thing that they wish never happened gets put out into the open and people assume that that is who they are. These are people I love. And if we love someone, we should go out of our way to find the best in them.

He Makes Everything Beautiful In Its Own Time

But he makes everything beautiful in its own time
No matter how ugly 
No matter what crime
You love him I know
And you are called 
So you must go
A purposeful life
A marvelous plan
No matter the strife
You will stand
Everything will work out for the good
This is His promise
It is understood
Don't cry now
Dry your tears
You may ask how
In your eyes, I see your fears
Hold on to hope
You know anything is possible
Christ is your rope
He will pull you out and hold you up
He is the secret, the answer 
Filling up your cup
He makes everything beautiful in it's own time