Do you just not have anything to say?

I found another reason why I can’t wait to leave this town. I am sick of being made fun of. My whole life, I have not been the outgoing, extroverted, person who jumps into a new situation with full force. No, I am the person who is quiet at first and slowly breaks out of their shell. Even when you get to know me, I can be quiet. I am a thinker. I contemplate. I think before I speak…most of the time. People do not appreciate this. They only become annoyed that I don’t speak.
Since I moved to Bartlesville, I have heard many phrases and comments and questions. Well, let me change that. I have heard a few phrases, comments, and questions that have been repeated shamelessly by quite a few people. I have been abashed almost constantly. I’ve heard sarcastic comments. “Ali, why do you talk so much?”, “Ali, shut up, no one cares!”, “Ali, geez! You’re talking my ear off.”; “Ali let someone else talk for once.” And then there are the serious just plain rude questions. “Why aren’t you talking?”, “Do you just not have anything to say?”, and my favorite “Are you shy?” Then they ask each other if they heard me speak a word in the last ten minutes and maybe I am scared of them. You would think that they could have thought of something new by now. Because let me tell you, I am sick of your old jokes.
I was always told: “It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.” I’ve seen many fools in my time, and I have only lived eighteen years. And in my experience (correct me if I am wrong), fools talk quite a bit. They blab on about many things that they do not know of. They impulsively spurt out comments and suggestions that are irrational. They are the people that, when you are around them, you constantly think “shut up!” But do you ever say this? I sure don’t. I don’t know what the purpose of this little note is. Perhaps it is to finally speak about my frustrations with constantly being picked on and made fun of. I accepted it before. What else could I do? This is who I am. Deal with it.

Sing

I will sing sing sing sing.
Lift my voice
Oh higher higher,
louder louder.
I want you to hear oh King,
what praise I sing
but I know that
even if I sing in a whisper
You hear it just as clear
I only sing louder
for the people’s ear
so they can hear of
Your glorious deeds
and praise you themselves
because You answer our needs.

Struggle

Every day is a struggle.
Every moment I cry.
Every breath is hoarse.
I can never say goodbye.
I'm losing what I had,
I feel it slipping away.
No friends or comrades here,
just a empty body bag
Waiting for the time,
just tell me when it is.
I can't move I'm frozen here,
frozen in time.
My mind won't move.
My mouth won't rhyme.
Everyday is a struggle.
I count the seconds of the time.
Every day I see your face
but do you ever see mine?
I feel invisible here
in this world of people,
just a face in the crowd
but one look,
a direct stare,
It'll kill me in an instant,
just knowing you are there.
Will it help?
When I'm dying?
When I'm fading slowly,
struggling,
counting every second.

For a Little While

Only fun for a little while
but I can’t see anyone then
Everyone fades away
into the mist of my pen
I hold it up high
that is all I can do
Just write myself by
All the aches and pains that I feel
and everything disappears
but only for a little while.
It all comes back in time,
comes to haunt me when I sleep,
I can’t even close my eyes.

She Didn't Know Why She Felt This Way

She didn’t know why she felt this way.
She didn’t know what to think.
She didn’t know how she got this way
or why everything would change when she blinked.
She didn’t know if it would ever go away
or if she would just sit and sink,
sink slowly day by day.
Her heart is on the brink
Sometimes she wonders if it’s made of clay
changing so often that
she needs to see a shrink.
She didn’t know why she felt this way.