I don't think I believe what I believe anymore

I don’t think I believe what I believe anymore.
If only, if only I knew what was true.
My mind fights and fights to try to even the score
but honestly I really don’t have a clue.
When I run I sweat,
when I laugh I smile.
The truth hits me over the head
as I run half a mile.
I just run away from the troubles I face,
no confrontation,
because that’s just not my place.
I need a vacation.
I don’t think I believe what I believe anymore.
Is this really supposed to happen?
Life is just a whore,
repeating itself, and being used over and over again.
I’ve seen these tears before
somewhere in a dream,
they were waiting at the door
and biting the screen.
What is regret?
It is my enemy,
watching me fret
as I pace endlessly.
I don’t think I believe what I believe anymore.

Afraid

Why am I always afraid?
Is this the pessimist inside me?
Or am I just a coward
This I cannot see
I never ask because I hate the word “no”
Am I missing out?
Missing out on everything that is for me
I become jealous
I never show it
I become nervous
I know you see it
Is it my lack of faith?
Was David afraid?
When he faced goliath
Was Paul frightened?
When he was in prison
Was Esther nervous?
When she had to speak to the king
And yet they are seen as faithful
Do I have a chance?

I Don't Know What the Future Holds, but I Know Who's Holding the Future

My best friend wrote Matthew 6:31-34 on my hand today when she surprised me and visited me at work. When I arrived home, I immediately read the verses. "So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." I spend a lot of my day worrying. Whether it be about struggles I am going through, whether I will have enough time to do everything I need to do, or even what other people think of me. But why do I worry? I have a God who can do immeasurably more than I could ever ask or imagine (Ephesians 3:20). I should FIRST seek HIS Kingdom and HIS Righteousness. If I seek HIM and follow after HIM, all my needs will be met because I am focused solely on my wonderful Father. I shouldn't worry about tomorrow. God has that in His hands. I read a quote today in the book "Do Hards Things". It was from a girl around my age. She said, "I don't know what the future holds, but I know Who's holding the future." That gives me peace.

Trust Me

I was struggling. Fighting. Confused. Upset. I didn't understand. Really God? This is what you want me to do? But what about my life? What about my plan? "I have a better plan," He said. But I was still questioning. What's the plan? Tell me. Let me see it. "I have called you and you have a purpose. I have a plan for you; Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." But I still didn't get it. I didn't see these plans. They weren't tangible. They weren't understandable. But He spoke again, "Everything will work out for the good. Trust Me." I knew He spoke truth. Though I don't understand, I will trust and obey. Sometimes God asks us to do difficult things. But He has a plan, one that is better than we could ever plan or imagine. But we must listen, trust, and obey. And we must also rely on Him for strength to see it through. He will be here with me through it all.

I Want But I Know

And I want to
But I know you
And you are worth
So much more
And if you want me to
I sure will do
My plans are no longer
I will follow my Father
Even if it hurts
You say it's not the time
I listen to your words
And I say
Please hold me
You're all I need
Take my heart now
Hold it
Draw me closer
Im Safe in your arms
You whisper in my ear
'daughter please hear'
And you want me to let go
Dropping what was before
Tomorrow is another door
What will it hold
I'm not so sure
But I know Your plans are good
You're the hope
That I cling to
Your promises renew
My spirit is yours
Oh my soul Lord
Take me
Mold me
Shape me
I know I'm growing Into the woman you want me to be

Doubt?

Do you ever have moments of doubt? Maybe those moments are just minutes, or even seconds; but perhaps they are hours, days, even weeks. Is this God's plan? Or is this something I convinced myself was His plan? Is this His timing? Or is this my timing? It is so difficult for me to just give it all to God. There could be many reasons for this. Two I can think of off the top of my head are selfishness and impatience. I want things to go my way and right now. That's not how God works. There is a reason I'm not in charge..I can't see it all. I am not all seeing and all powerful; not in the least. God knows my thoughts and the thoughts of others. He knows future events and people. And he knows my heart. He is the ultimate discerner. I need to lay it all down before His feet. What do you want Lord?what can I do for You? Show me your will for my life. Help me to see your plan for me and to carry it out. Be with me through every step. I trust you.

30 Days Naked Day 27

I recently heard "Rediscover You" by Starfield on the radio. This song really spoke to me and I know I have felt this way several times in my life. Not just several...many many many times. Here are the lyrics and I encourage you to listen to the song. I need to just admit My faith is paper thin I'm feeling so burned out On religion I say an empty prayer I sing a tired song I need to just admit that the passion's gone And I want to get it back You told me Look for You and I will find So I'm here Like I'm searching for the first time Revive me, Jesus Make this cold heart start to move Help me rediscover You I want to learn to pray The way that David prayed I want my soul to burn when I hear Your name I want to feel like new I want to hunger for you Bring me back to life like only You can do Cause I don't want to stay the same You told me Look for You and I will find So I'm here Like I'm searching for the first time Revive me, Jesus Make this cold heart start to move Help me rediscover You Lord, I want to be Yours today I want to know the passion of the saints And how they were changed You told me Look for You and I will find So I'm here Like I'm searching for the first time Revive me, Jesus Make this cold heart start to move I want to burn for You Bring me back to life, Jesus Help me rediscover You

30 Days Naked Day 23

Something Jesus calls me to have, is faith. SO many times in the new testament Jesus rebuked his disciples because of their lack of faith. In Matthew 17:20-21 after Jesus healed a demon possessed boy, Jesus' disciples asked why they couldn't heal the boy. Jesus replied: "Because you have so little faith. I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you." In matthew 8 when Jesus calmed the storm, he told his disciples they had little faith and asked why they were so afraid. In matthew 9 Jesus healed a sick woman who touched his cloak and Jesus said to her: "your faith has healed you". Also in this chapter, Jesus heals the blind and mute saying "according to your faith will it be done to you", when they asked to be healed. In matthew 14 when Jesus walked on water, He called Peter, "You of little faith" and asked him why he doubted. I could name so many more examples. Faith is IMPORTANT. In Hebrews 11:6 it says: "And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him." In order to please the Lord who I admire and adore so much, I must have faith in Him. So What exactly is faith? Hebrews 11:1 says: "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." This can be so difficult for us as humans. How can we be sure of our hopes? How can we be absolutely sure, with no doubts, and certain of what we cannot see? Only with faith. Only with Jesus, the only source of hope.

30 Days Naked Day 16

Why is this world so unfair? Why is it so horrible? Why do bad things happen? More importantly, why does it have to happen to such amazing people? They fall down and their faith is tested. It seems like such a great journey and they are thankful to God by the end. The second time is more difficult. It is long and grueling on them and everyone around them. But in the end they say "God is good". Why must it keep happening? Lord I thought I learned. What else do you have for me? What else do you have for them? Must it keep on happening? Will my dejavu continue? Is this your joy? To have your people suffer? I'm shouting. I shout to you who is so great. What have I done? What have I done. So I thought you listened. I thought you heard me. Will you answer prayer and take it away less than 6 months later? I guess it is true. So I have heard: you give and take away.

What if the Rain Washes Me Away

The clouds roll
The wind blows
Lightning strikes
The ground below
And then the rain falls
Tickling my nose
Stealing my breath away
Sweeping my hair
Goosebumps cover my arms
I wonder if I dare
My whole body’s shivering
From my head to my toes
I raise my head up to the sky
Even though my mind says “no”
The rain hits my cheeks
My heart skips a beat
And I ask the question
What if the rain washes me away?
Leaving none of my remains
I know I’m supposed to have faith
But even Peter took a dip in the waves
People might call me a doubting Thomas
But even though it might sound silly I still ask the question
What if the rain washes me away?
I stepped out in faith
Didn’t think twice about it
But now I am afraid
Reaching my hands to the sky
Trying to find my faith
What if Jesus was beside me now?
Would he be ashamed and cast me out?
But now I think
Jesus wouldn’t let the rain wash me away
Even though I did doubt
He’d grab my hand and pull me out
And I’d wonder why I ever had a doubt
And why I asked the question ‘What if the rain washes me away?’
Because Jesus will never turn his back on me
Even though I turned my back on him
I have so little faith
Yet He loves me
But why would he waste his time
On a wretch like me?
His love is so unimaginable
Just wait and see
Cause you will see it too
Just like me
Before the rain washes you away