Not Be Seen

I love to write poetry. You probably know this. Many times I write poetry to vent, whether it be when I am sad, upset, angry, or even happy. Most of my poems are on this blog. I repeat, most of them, not all of them. Why? Because when I vent, sometimes no one should ever read it but me. I am not just saying this to inform you. I am also saying it to remind myself. Because when you are angry or upset you just want to scream to the world right? You want to Scream and yell and tell everyone bad things about the person you are fighting with, or are mad at. I don't want to do that. Some poems are just too personal. Sometimes it is better to be silent and be thought a fool, then to open your mouth and remove all doubt.

Make It Look Pretty

Every saturday morning at the java house I work at, we serve swedish pancakes, homeade by Danny our head barista. I am his official helper. I place the pancakes on the plate, and put whatever the customer wants on there (whip cream, strawberries, butter, syrup, or lingonberries). To sum it all up, I make them look pretty.
Danny may flip the pancakes off of the pans and they may be twisted, broken, ripped, and even torn apart. But I know the secret to making it all look scrumptious and delightful. I was thinking about this as I was working this morning. Danny always lets me know when one ripped, "Oh! That is a mess. But I know you'll make it look pretty! They'll never know!" I am, afterall, that good.
So, I began to think about my job of making a messed up pancake look pretty. I hide it under the other two pancakes on the plate, or I fold it a certain way. I have a perfect technique of making it unseen and unnoticable. But then I thought, how good am I at doing this in real life? When I am messed up and broken and torn, do I just make myself look pretty on the outside and hide my pain or sin inside so no one will see?
This is quite a serious thing. Of course, this isn't a big deal with pancakes. It is food. It all tastes the same no matter what it looks like and it would not be bad if someone found out that the second pancake in their stack wasn't in one piece. But what about life? What about my life? This is something I want God to search my heart for. Am I a hypocrite? Do I make my outside look pretty for others but leave the real me hidden? I know this is easy for me to do, especially when I am struggling in pain or difficulties in my life. I hide it all so I won't "burden" anyone with what I am going through. I put on a smile and don't tell a soul. I hold in the tears when all I want to do is cry. I say I am good when I am really not. I tell half truths to get around the conversation that would make me ache again. I make my life look pretty. also on www.thirtydaysofyou.blogspot.com

I Am Here

I was there
I am here
I will always be
You need not ever fear
Hold on to Hope
And that is Me
When you have to cope
Bend down on one knee
Talk to Me I always listen
Always answer I know your heart
And your inmost desires
I may not answer what you want
Or the way you think I should
But I know what is best for you
I have a plan
Please listen
I love you

Live by the Word

Tonight I watched The Book of Eli with some high schooler's from my youth group. We watched it on a clearplay so some violence and language were edited out (honestly I don't think I could have handled the real thing). It was an extremely interesting movie. But, it is not a Christian movie, despite what some think. But it does have some gems in it. One line that really caught me was when Eli said this: "In all these years I've been carrying it and reading it every day, I got so caught up in keeping it safe that I forgot to live by what I learned from it." This is such a profound and cutting statement. If you watch the movie and hear him say that..you hurt. You hurt because you know it is true. You forgot to live by the word. How many times have we done that? How many times have we gotten so caught up in protecting the the Bible..the Gospel...maybe just being legalistic in reading every day or maybe just defending it as truth against others, that we don't live by it. We don't put it into practice in our own lives. Sometime when defending our faith in a debate we can become angry and say or do things that are not Christlike. We don't do what the bible says...watching our tongue..or doing unto others as we would have them do unto us. This guy read the bible every single day for thirty years. And yet he says he still forgot to do this. What if we started now? We don't have to wait thirty years. We don't even have to wait a day. Start living it out.

Dug Down Deep

We have all heard the story of the wise man who built his house upon the rock and the foolish man who built his house on the sand. You might have even sang the song in sunday school. The moral of the story is don't be foolish and not believe in God, be wise and believe in God, right? It is so much deeper than that. In Luke 6:46 Jesus starts out by saying: "Why do you call me 'Lord, Lord,' and do not do what I say?" Then he goes on through verse 49 saying: "I will show you what he is like who comes to me and hears my words and puts them into practice. He is like a man building a house, who dug down deep and laid the foundation on rock. When a flood came, the torrent struck that house but could not shake it, because it was well built. But the one who hears my words and does not put them into practice is like a man who builds his house on the ground without a foundation. The moment the torrent struck that house, it collapsed and its destruction was complete."
Jesus isn't just talking about people who don't believe in God. He's talking about hypocrites; people who know his words and hears them, but doesn't do what he says. The first verse cuts me deep. Why do we call Him 'Lord' if we do not do what he says? In the Message version of this part of the Bible it says: "These words I speak to you are not mere additions to your life, homeowner improvements to your standard of living. They are foundation words, words to build a life on." The word of God is supposed to be the foundation of my life; not just a part of my life, not just something I do part of the day or only once a week. They are what I am supposed to build my life on. How is that going for me? Am I actually reading his word? Am I listening? Am I taking it to heart and putting what he says into practice? The man who built his house upon a rock did some down right difficult stuff. It was hard labor. He had to dig down deep to set his foundation. He could have taken the easy way out like the other man and just built his house on the ground with no foundation. It would be much easier right? And the man who built his house with no foundation probably though it was a great idea. It was right on the beach, a nice view of the ocean, and he would wake up to the sound of the waves and the feel of the sand beneath his toes. Sounds wonderful right? I am sure the man who built his house with a foundation knew that the other man's way would be so much easier. But he also knew what could and would happen. He was wise. And he was wise because he listened to God's words and actually did what He said. How often do I take the easy way out? How will it cost me later? It is hard establishing your beliefs and building a foundation on Christ. It is difficult. But it is worth it. It is possible to be a Christian and live life on the surface...on the sand. You just go through the motions, but don't actually live to the fullest and for Christ. You're a hypocrite. I know. I have done this. But I am ready to dig down deep. I want a foundation. I want Jesus.

Heart and Soul

Don't take it for granted
Don't give it up
You don't know what you have
Hold on tight
Savor every moment
I want the most of you
All you can give
Sing with me
Until you run out of breath
Dance with me
Until you have nothing left
Laugh with me
Until your sides hurt
Hold me and hug me
Until we become sick of the warmth
I want your time I want your words
Tell me what you feel
I want your heart and soul
Smile until you think you could never frown
Let's just talk until the sun goes down
When we pray
Hold my hand
When hard times come
We stick together
We do things for eachother
When you struggle
It becomes mine
I want to help you
And it means so much
The time we spend
The words exchanged
I want this
I want it forever
I want your heart and soul

A Reply When No One is Listening

Everyone knows
Why are you hiding?
I can see through your clothes
Of memorization and lying
Don’t look that way
Cause you know it will all go away
Just move on
Stand strong
You say it’s not easy
But I know you’re wrong
Get up
Watch your step
You got it all
Girl you just have to keep your rep
That’s what their saying
Please don’t be hating
I’m trying
But I can’t stop crying
Believe me I'm not lying
Yes I am hiding
But inside I am dying
It's hard to stay strong
When I know everything is wrong
I keep tripping
Ever day I am slipping
Away from here
Nothing is clear

Upside Down

Falling over
Upside down
There goes my world
Goin’ round and round
Can’t see it now
Can’t see at all
My head’s all dizzy
And I think it’s gonna fall
Flying backwards
Upside down
Please catch my feet
As I spin around
There’s no going back
No reversing time
This is what we have
And what we have is a crime
Shooting sideways
Upside down
There go the days
When I used to drown
Look at me then
Look at me now
Here I am hanging
Upside down
What if I fall
What if I crash
What if I stand back up and be a man
Here it goes
All or nothing
This life is not known
Who knows
What’s coming
Who’s going
Who’s running
Cause it’s hard to see
When you are upside down
Every smile looks like a frown
Every one seems to look at you funny
You don’t have friends
Just some paper money
Who’s holding on to me
Where am I going
All I know is that I’m hanging
Upside down

No one like You

I go through my life
Meet every person
Each one has an effect
Good or bad
Big or small
But none were like You
A little tug on my heart
An idea to change my point of view
But no one changed me
Quite like you
No one touched my heart like you did
I’ve been loved
By my family and perhaps a few friends
But their love is not like yours
Their love may fade
But yours never ends
People have done things for me
Even given things up
But no one did it like You
You gave up more than I could ever know
Your life and more
Others may know what I’m going through
But you know it all
You understand from experience
There is no one like You

Never Say Forever

Never say never
Never say forever
Two words that should never be said
Unless they are referring to eachother
God has a plan
Better than yours I am sure
Never having kids
End up having four
April fools day is one
Haha God
This is fun
He never had a chance
But look he has one now
She said never
But it changed
I’ll be with you forever
No dear
No not never
The future is so dim in light
Never say forever
Not even if it doesn’t give you a fright

Alone

I feel alone
No one is here
Only me
Crying my tears
I want to talk
But I want to be alone
I am unsatisfied
It’s not enough
To be loved but have died inside
To have it taken away
I’m trying to feel
But this emptiness consumes
I want to be held
But who is there to hold?

Where is Love

They say love is patient and kind
I don’t know about you
But I must be blind
They say it does not envy
They say it does not boast
But I see people steal and brag
Every single day almost
They say Love is not proud
But everybody is
They cannot accept the truth
Or admit they were wrong
They say it is not rude
But who opens doors anymore
Who says thank you or please
Or even burps but says excuse me
They say that love is not selfish
But I don’t know anyone who is not
They think only of themselves
They hold back when asked to do something
Something that would never benefit them
They say love is not easily angered
But I see angry people all the time
I hear the cars honking and the people yelling
Profanities and cursing come quickly to every mouth
They say love does not keep a record of wrongs
But grudges are held
No matter how small the deed
Things are brought up
Even if forgiveness was asked on their knees
They say love does not delight in evil
But I’ve seen today’s media
I’ve seen the movies that portray
Every bad guy as the prey
Porn and violence and language and drugs
No one rejoices in good or truth
Every one has their own version of the truth
They say love always protects
But I hear stories of beatings and murders and devilish deeds
No one cares about another’s needs
They say love always trusts
But no one trusts me
No benefit of the doubt
Always guilty
They say Love always hopes
But I see a world that has lost its hope
They say love always perseveres
But I see divorces every single day
They say love never fails
But look It just did

I Need A Breath

Tonight I watched a movie that I will not recomend, nor name. It was a silly movie, what you would call "stupid" or "corny" or maybe even "lame". Normally, people don't cry in stupid movies. Nor in corny or even lame ones. No. I didn't cry. My eyes just watered up and stung badly. But why? Why? Why did I cry? Maybe because the word "love" was mentioned quite a few times. Maybe because I understood some of the pain that was being portrayed, no matter how silly it was. Maybe because I missed feeling careless. Maybe because I was sad for the ignorant characters played in the movie. Maybe I cried because I missed the little things...Or maybe just because I was just emotionally strained. I realized this week and last that I need a day. A day to breath. A day to be silent. A day to contmplate and think and more importantly, a day to pray and just be still. Today is that day. I am spending this whole day silent until midnight, the beginning of the tenth of june. I am also spending the day barefoot. I hope to really spend the day with God. To stand in his presence. I remembered the story in the Bible about God talking to Moses through the burning bush. He told him to take off his sandals for the ground he was standing on was Holy ground. I hope today to be a great experience. I turned off my phone and I will only blog once more on my other blog www.thirtydaysofyou.blogspot.com for my 3rd day of fasting from facebook. Psalm 46:10 "Be still and Know that I Am God."

Sick of This

Together but not
Separate but alright
Slipping away from what was taught
Please let’s just fight
Tired of this monotony
It will fade
Just wait and see
Sometimes I’m not so sure
Waiting waiting
To go back to the way we were
Don’t speak
Be silent
Your words they hurt
Blind and in my side I feel like dirt
It doesn’t get any easier
This climb isn’t up
There is no top to this mountain
No reward
Man this sucks

Another 30 days. Different blog

Hello there. I created a new blog www.thirtydaysofyou.blogspot.com . I am now going without facebook for 30 days. The information for what this blog is being used for and will be used for is on the blog itself. And I would appreciate it and be very thankful if you checked it out. Ali

I Don't Know What the Future Holds, but I Know Who's Holding the Future

My best friend wrote Matthew 6:31-34 on my hand today when she surprised me and visited me at work. When I arrived home, I immediately read the verses. "So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." I spend a lot of my day worrying. Whether it be about struggles I am going through, whether I will have enough time to do everything I need to do, or even what other people think of me. But why do I worry? I have a God who can do immeasurably more than I could ever ask or imagine (Ephesians 3:20). I should FIRST seek HIS Kingdom and HIS Righteousness. If I seek HIM and follow after HIM, all my needs will be met because I am focused solely on my wonderful Father. I shouldn't worry about tomorrow. God has that in His hands. I read a quote today in the book "Do Hards Things". It was from a girl around my age. She said, "I don't know what the future holds, but I know Who's holding the future." That gives me peace.

Holy Ambition

My life has changed drastically. My plans went down the drain. God told me that my plans were not His plans. I was confused, I doubted, I questioned. God said He knew what he was doing. And so now I'm wondering...what now? He said it's not the time, so I will wait. But what do I do in the meantime? Today I was reading a "Do Hard Things" by Alex and Brett Harris (a book on my summer reading list). The whole book is about a teenage rebellion against low expectations. In the chapter entitled "Generation Rising" they began talking about teenagers who had incredible ideas and made them into world changing organizations. They then used the word "Holy Ambition". I then read this: "John Piper, pasor and author, defines a holy ambition as something that you really, really, really want to do--and that God wants you to do to also. Some people would call this passion, but it's passion under the Lordship of Jesus Christ. What's yours?" I began thinking. Thinking of all the things I wanted to do and ideas that have crossed my mind in the past that I have not acted on. The world seemed to open up. So many opportunities. So..now what? Time for prayer. A song came to my mind as I was contemplating this. Here are the lyrics: "Give me one pure and holy passion Give me one magnificent obsession Give me one glorious ambition for my life To know and follow hard after You To know and follow hard after you To grow as your dicsiple in your truth This world is empty, pale, and poor Compared to knowing you, my Lord Lead me on and I will run after you Lead me on and I will run after you Give me one pure and holy passion Give me one magnificent obsession Give me one glorious ambition for my life To know and follow hard after you To know and follow hard after you To grow as your disciple in the truth This world is empty, pale, and poor Compared to knowing you my Lord Lead me on and I will run after you Lord to know and follow hard after you And to grow as your disciple in your truth This world is empty, pale, and poor Compared to knowing you my Lord Lead me on and I will run after you Lead me on and I will run after you Lead me on and I will run after you" I need to follow after Him; run after Him. Know Him. And I believe that if I do that, and my mindset is focused solely on Him, His plans will become my plans. His ambitions will become my ambitions. His passions will become my passions. And everything will work out for the good, because I love Him.